Wallowing

 
"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in." Katherine Mansfield

It's been a while since I've posted. Nothing is wrong, per se, just more of the same. Which doesn't translate well to the blogosphere. (Especially when my drama is pretty tame compared to the lives of bloggers with children, spouses, in-laws, ex-spouses, etc.)

Work's been busy. Again, more of the same. The only change is that my work spouse, J, left. He got a job in a different industry which will likely provide for his family for years to come. Coworkers have commented that the amount of laughter in the office has dropped drastically since he left. J and I were regular stand-up comedians, complete with a snappy repartee and dedicated fans within earshot. Yes, the silence, the doom, since J left the cubicle farm is palpable. And I've been doing exactly what I shouldn't be doing – I've been wallowing in a personal pity party.

For his final two weeks at work, I went through all of the stages of grief. I was a little surprised at how angry and hurt I was with him. I took his leaving for a better job, with greater security and pay, personally (even though I was his biggest cheerleader in pursuing this new opportunity!) The anger was beneath the surface at all times. (And it bothered me immensely that I was feeling this way – I really was happy for his getting the new job – did I mention that I pushed J to pursue this opportunity?!) None of this affected the amount of tears I shed on his last day. I cried like a baby who dropped her pacifier from her crib. I could still see it, but it was out of my grasp. Knowing that my contact with J will likely be limited to emails and phone calls didn't help to ease my fear of letting him go.

I hate good-byes.

The one good thing to come of this (besides the positive things for J, of course) is that I am now ready to move on from the company I've supported for a dozen years. Change is difficult, but not as difficult now that J's gone. I miss the laughter – laughter that will never be heard from my remaining coworkers because they, like me, are all wallowing in the mire that has become our jobs.