Monthly Archives: January 2006

TGIF.

This week has passed by in a blur. And a fog. The latter caused by a multi-day migraine/headache episode which continues today. Yea. /sarcasm

I’m able to take comfort in the fact that it’s finally Friday (and payday), but I have to make it through what is sure to be a stressful day at work before I can remove the shackles, strip off the work clothes and enter the comfort of the Sweatpants Zone.

Morning Pages are on track this week despite waking up three mornings with head-shattering pain. My initial thought on day 1 of the headache was that my Inner Critics Terrorists were rebelling at the progress being made to expel them from their humble abode…

Lost in a Blur

The last week was a blur with frequent fires at work depleting any excess energy that hadn’t already been zapped by my self-sabotaging inner critics (and, honestly, utter boredom with a job that continues to drain my creative juices, clogging my outlets with giant hairballs). I joked on Thursday with one of my co-workers that my hands, feet and bum all had blisters due to my attempts to put out the various fires. He knew the same pain. It was a bad week at the workhouse for everyone.

The problem, of course, is that none of us have ever had firefighters training… 😉

By the time I dragged myself home every night – well past the mandatory 9 hours – I was too exhausted to devote myself to freeing the inner creative me (the double- and triple-knots holding her in too much to be burdened with in my numbed state – never mind the blistered fingers!). The most I was able to do was browse the sites of other AWer’s – which, while enriching and inspiring (not to mention – again – humbling), made me retreat further into my own self-doubt.

Yes, the pity party is in full-swing.

Thankfully, I don’t like parties, so it is short-lived.

Morning pages? Um, let’s just say that they haven’t been done consistently. Morning is NOT my time of day and the chatter throughout the days has just been too much to overcome. By late evening, the drone is so loud and incessant that I half expect the police to show up and site me for disturbing the peace! (If a good thing can be said it’s that the chatter is becoming more frantic – a sure sign that the inner critics are worried that their voices are soon to be silenced. This has happened before – the last time I tackled AW… Unfortunately, that last time was sabotaged by outside distractions, and the critics moved back in and brought their extended families!)

Tomorrow is a fresh start – and I already have my notebook and pen on the bed awaiting the new day.

Welcome fellow AWer’s!

Hello – and welcome – to my fellow AW seekers. Thank you for dropping by – and offering such kind words of encouragement!

My inner critics (most noticeably, Debbie and Frank) immediately raised their voices in an attempt to drown out and beat down my new-found excitement. The good news in all of this is that I immediately recognized them as the party-poopers they are.

I’ve spent a lot of time today reading other participant’s entries… The amount of talent that exists in the blogosphere is astounding – and this group is truly awe-inspiring. The group of artists who have chosen to embark down the path of AW in 2006 are brave adventurers. I am humbled beyond words, but feel blessed to have stumbled upon these like-souls.

While I am looking forward to the next 12 weeks (and beyond since this journey won’t – hopefully – end), I’m scared to death at the thought that I am going to be exposed as a fraud – someone who has always thought of herself as a ‘writer’ but who is so afraid to write that the words just can’t flow; someone who has always wanted to make ‘art’ but can’t bring herself to the canvas for fear of rejection; someone who loves photography but can’t garner the courage to explore outside her immediate surroundings; someone who would love to create music but can’t calm her brain long enough to concentrate on the notes. Someone who has started talking in the third person and needs to stop! 😉

I’m hopeful that as the days fly by that you’ll actually see glimpses of the exercises appearing here in my blog or as a comment on another participant’s site.

Thanks again for stopping by. Good luck on your journey!

Blogging the Artist’s Way

Yesterday marked the official start of doing the Artist’s Way. And, par for the course, here I am a day late already!

Blogging the Artist's Way

I’m thrilled to be part of this fabulous Blogging the Artist’s Way group, grateful to Kat for coming up with the fantastic idea (and, truly, creating a moment of synchronicity for me!) and offering to facilitate it (while also doing the AW – wow! I’m in awe). I’m also excited and scared to death (in a good way, if that makes any sense) to see where this journey will take us.

As I mentioned in my comment to Kat on her blog when I signed up, work’s crazy right now (year-end, new job responsibilities, juggling lots of items that don’t honestly mean anything to me) and I’m a bit worried if I’ll be able to shut my “work mind” off long enough to devote myself to do AW. Or find the energy (funny how working at a dead-end job day in/day out can sap you of all your energy).

I also know in my heart that I need to do AW at this moment in time. I’ve become estranged from my Muse. She packed her bags in the dead of night years ago, hopped a train to the west coast and occasionally drops me a postcard to let me know that she’s still around. In those moments when I can still my mind, I am sure that I can hear her voice. Mocking me.

I miss her. And want her to come back home to me.

Trippin’

It was totally my fault. I was being frugal and chose not to turn on the light as I picked my way to the back door to let the dogs in.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when the small, unidentifiable blob moved under foot.

But I was.

And in my panic to avoid hurting the unidentified cat, I turned, twisted, hopped, twisted again – and for the first time in my life – lost my balance and went down like a ton of bricks.

My knee hurts. My shin hurts. The heel of my hand hurts.

And as far as I can tell – the only cat who was in the vicinity was Ed – and he seems to be no worse for the wear. Although his reaction to me afterwards was overly suspicious – as I approached him to see if he was injured in any way, he bolted away in fear.

Fear.

And I felt like a schmuck.

Apparently during my dysfunctional ballet performance, I must have uttered some rather severe sounding threats that Ed took to heart.

Silly guy.

I ran my hands over him to check for any obvious injuries. None were present. I scooped him up in my arms and gave him a hug and muttered some words of apology. In return, he forgave me with a purr.

I’m so glad that I didn’t hurt him.

Lights. Curtain. No encore.

Dreading the return to the Office…

Being off work for 5 days straight has taken a toll on me. Clearly my waistline has expanded over this holiday season – my sedentary lifestyle not helping in the least – but the bane of my existence being those damned Sea Salt & Vinegar kettle chips from Costco and my personal crack, Heath candy bars.*

The only positive thing about this is the fact that I didn’t get Tuesday or Wednesday off last week as originally planned… If that were the case, I suspect that my anxiety level would be much worse than it is at this moment.

Now I can fret about whether or not my pants are going to fit me in the morning…

* I really shouldn’t joke about my “personal crack” since 1) I have never done drugs of any sort, so understanding the addictive thrill of any drugs is something that I have no comprehension of and 2) I do personally know a couple whose lives were irreparably torn apart due to one of them having an addiction to crack… I apologize if I’ve inadvertently offended anyone.

Hoping today’s a holiday from work…

A little before 3 am this morning as I finished watching the Monk marathon on USA and flipped through the channels only to stop on Blast from the Past (for the second time this holiday weekend), I was suddenly struck with the fear that maybe tomorrow (which was really today) wasn’t a holiday after all and I would be expected to show up in just a few short hours.

My bewilderment is an offshoot of the fact that I had taken last Thursday and Friday off and had finally reached the point where my mind had clicked the work mode switch to the off position – and I felt disoriented.

That’s when the panic set in.

It’s an anxiety that makes my pulse quicken and my brain feel like a hard drive that’s malfunctioning.

Does this happen to anyone else?

2006 – A New Year, A New Beginning

Well, I’ve pretty much pissed away the first day of the new year the same way I’ve pissed away the 365 that made up 2005 (except when I was working away at my dead-end job… which often amounted to more than 12 hours away from home on any given day) mindlessly surfing the internet, playing insipid computer games, watching movies/television shows that I’ve seen multiple times, generally futzing – anything to avoid the things that I figure will amount to a hill of beans in my life – or define who I am – taking photos, writing or decluttering my life. (The latter not a definition of who I am unless you consider the fact that my life has spiraled out of control and as it’s done so, the level of clutter has increased exponentially – so, no, not a life-goal, but a necessity!)

It’s not a start to the new year that I would have wanted – but it’s apparently the rut that I’ve chosen to remain in.

The fact is, last evening as I perused my favorite blogs that litter the web, I read with interest the various resolutions that each author penned. I envied their ability to succinctly describe their goals…

Then I attempted to type out my goals.

The truth is, I’ve never been good at making goals. Heck, I had planned (it was a goal) on changing jobs this year, getting the hell away from the dysfunctional company that I’ve worked for over a decade… What did I actually accomplish? Well, after a litany of bosses passed before my cubical, I did finally manage to change jobs – unfortunately, I’m still with the same dysfunctional company!

As the evening wore on, I realized that regardless of the day dawning before me, the dreams/goals that I have on one side of midnight are no different than the goals on the other side of midnight… and January 1st or April 27th really makes no difference.

I need to initiate change gradually – I know that I need to lose weight (it’s taken years to reach my current bloated weight; although my recent stress-eating hasn’t helped!), start exercising (wanting to get in physical shape isn’t just going to happen magically and effortlessly), reduce my consumption of fatty/nutritiously vacuous foods, focus on my writing and photography, find a job that is fulfilling, closer to home and still pays the bills, reduce my debt, be a better sister/friend, stop procrastinating, reduce the mess/clutter at home and become more organized… The list is longer, but these are the main points of focus at this moment. Small steps.

The thing is, there isn’t anything magical about January 1st… I can change my life any day of the year. Which, ironically, is usually what keeps me from doing it.

A New year: 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes–a time to consider directions, goals, and actions. I must make some plans to live a normal life, but also I must live emotionally within a twenty-four hour frame, for if I do, I don’t have to make New Year’s resolutions! I can make every day a New Year’s day! I can decide, “Today I will do this . . .Today I will do that.” Each day I can measure my life by trying to a little better, by deciding to follow God’s will and making an effort to put the principles of our A.A. program into action. ~Daily Reflections

To anyone who drops by this blog, I wish you health, happiness, love and prosperity in the new year. I hope our paths cross often.