I want a ‘do over’

I’ve been wallowing in self-pity this morning (OK, more so than in the past six to twelve months!) and wondering why I can’t just have a ‘do over’… You know, a new chance to make amends with the person who I was meant to be. I don’t know how I’ve become the person I am. I used to be a fun loving free-spirit, willing to take risks, do things that might not be conventional, had passionate dreams and friendships with like-minded individuals whose energy mixed with mine and fueled even bigger dreams for the future.

Not anymore.

I’ve severed the ties to the people of my past – or, rather, I didn’t work hard enough when they started to slip away. The slippage was mutual – as so often happens with friends, you grow apart when new loves, new interests come in to the picture. Or, if you’re like me, you suddenly don’t like the person you’ve become – and when you start to rebel against yourself, the same people you trust the most, don’t accept the new you. And the rejection is like a swift kick in the gut, except that the boot is stuck as a painful reminder…

I’ve become a stiff shadow of my former self that reluctantly gets up every morning when the alarm clock sounds (and hitting the snooze is no longer an option), sluggishly gets ready for another day at the dead-end job, slogs to work on the same route that I’ve been driving my entire adult life (it’s pretty bad when you know every single rut in the road and could, if needed, drive with a blindfold – which, ironically, is what it feels like at the moment!). Every.Single.Rut.

My body is more honest in its reaction to life than I am. When the stress of everything gets to be too much, my body always sends me a very clear message that’s impossible to miss – it’s in the form of a cold sore on my lip.

This morning, I awoke with a big honking cold sore.

Accompanying this lovely lip zit is a painfully pea-sized swollen gland just behind my chin. Ouch.

And, if that weren’t enough, let’s throw an exclamation point on this morning in the form of an eye twitch….

It’s probably a good thing that I’m not in a relationship at the moment. I feel like a hideous monster. Just call me Quasimodo.

2 thoughts on “I want a ‘do over’

  1. i often feel the same way as you with the “i want a do over.” i’ve wondered too where my old self went, but it must be part of the growing process. doesn’t j. cameron talk about that in an earlier chapter about how you kind of grieve the loss of an old you and celebrate the new…or something? i think it’s growing pains to rebel and feel like shit about these changes. ultimately, we are working to become comfortable with ourselves whoever, wherever, and whenever that all is. my body totally freaks out on me too when i’m stressing. it’s a signal to us to take care. i’m with you dude…keep it up, you’re definitely making some great points and progress 🙂

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