Category Archives: Highly Angsty

Prozac needed – but not prescribed.

Dancing on the Edge of Sanity

I admit it. I have felt like a whirling dervish (minus the energy), spiraling out of control, teetering on the edge of sanity, afraid that a mis-step will result in my losing my grip on reality and plummeting over the edge into oblivion.

I suspect that it's a combination of seasonal issues (too many ghosts from the past insist on haunting me when the leaves begin to turn), rampant hormones and perhaps a little thyroid dysfunction thrown in. The anxiousness that has embraced me over the past couple of days has led me to seriously contemplate for the first time that drug therapy might be a good idea. (I know a few folks who might go so far as to suggest electric shock therapy…) So concerned with my frazzled mindset this morning (the third such day), I asked a friend who wrestles daily with the black dog of depression if it's possible to start and stop anti-depressant drugs or if you are forever tied to little pills once you start medicating. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that you can start and stop certain drugs (but that it's important that the doctor know this is your intention beforehand).

This left me questioning WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH would anyone WANT to continue drug therapy forever and ever, amen? I can't even stay on a daily vitamin regimen for more than 10 days without losing interest in the popping of pills. The fact that I've often thought I'm suffering thyroid issues has stopped me from seeking medical diagnosis specifically because the idea of having to take a pill a day for the rest of my life doesn't exactly thrill me.

While my morning was disconcerting, the cloud of melancholy lifted late in the afternoon and the ride home found me in a much better mood. No pill required.

Tomorrow's another day… 

I want a ‘do over’

I’ve been wallowing in self-pity this morning (OK, more so than in the past six to twelve months!) and wondering why I can’t just have a ‘do over’… You know, a new chance to make amends with the person who I was meant to be. I don’t know how I’ve become the person I am. I used to be a fun loving free-spirit, willing to take risks, do things that might not be conventional, had passionate dreams and friendships with like-minded individuals whose energy mixed with mine and fueled even bigger dreams for the future.

Not anymore.

I’ve severed the ties to the people of my past – or, rather, I didn’t work hard enough when they started to slip away. The slippage was mutual – as so often happens with friends, you grow apart when new loves, new interests come in to the picture. Or, if you’re like me, you suddenly don’t like the person you’ve become – and when you start to rebel against yourself, the same people you trust the most, don’t accept the new you. And the rejection is like a swift kick in the gut, except that the boot is stuck as a painful reminder…

I’ve become a stiff shadow of my former self that reluctantly gets up every morning when the alarm clock sounds (and hitting the snooze is no longer an option), sluggishly gets ready for another day at the dead-end job, slogs to work on the same route that I’ve been driving my entire adult life (it’s pretty bad when you know every single rut in the road and could, if needed, drive with a blindfold – which, ironically, is what it feels like at the moment!). Every.Single.Rut.

My body is more honest in its reaction to life than I am. When the stress of everything gets to be too much, my body always sends me a very clear message that’s impossible to miss – it’s in the form of a cold sore on my lip.

This morning, I awoke with a big honking cold sore.

Accompanying this lovely lip zit is a painfully pea-sized swollen gland just behind my chin. Ouch.

And, if that weren’t enough, let’s throw an exclamation point on this morning in the form of an eye twitch….

It’s probably a good thing that I’m not in a relationship at the moment. I feel like a hideous monster. Just call me Quasimodo.